A Photo I Hate

You know how sometimes you remember exactly what you were thinking when a photo was taken? I was organizing some photos yesterday, and I came across this one. It was taken just a few days after M's birth, the first time I was able to hold her. 

I didn't want my mom to take the picture because I was about to cry. I was looking into M's starved, skinny, sunken little face, and I was thinking, "I have failed. I have failed you!" This should have been a special moment, the first time I had M in my arms. But, when I see it, I feel a crush of sadness. I can see the pain I was trying to hide. It is right there, on my face.

This photo breaks my heart.